I struggle. I want to share myself, but I don't know how. I read bloggers that I admire and look up to, and when they share, it's so eloquent yet simple. So poignant, so real. I feel like when I share in that way, it's trite and forced. And those are the last things that I want to be.
I'm trying not to compare myself to others. I don't want to be a copy of someone. I want to be me.
I don't feel eloquent. Or witty. Or even smart sometimes. Not compared to someone else. Compared to myself.
I've let myself get stuck in the stay-at-home mom thing. I play with my child, watch children's TV programs, read children's books. And I love it. Most of the time.
But I want to read my own books, have conversations that challenge my mind, cause me to think. For crying out loud, I have a graduate degree. I know I can think! Right? I do remember how to think, don't I?
Sometimes I wonder.
Do you ever wonder? Not about me, but about you? Do you ever get stuck in a rut, forgetting that you are a creative, intelligent, wonderful person?
I think I forgot. But I want to remember. I want to be reminded. I want to think again. To be able to follow a train of thought and not keep getting derailed, or making pit stops. Even as I sat down to write this post, I had about five minutes before I had to take the thinking cap off and put the mama hat on. I had a great thought. Actually, several great thoughts. I started to write, then bam! Not enough time to finish the thought.
Then I had to try to pick up the train again. Do I even know where I'm going with this? I'm not sure, and don't expect you to know either. But I appreciate that you've stuck with me this far.
I want to think. To create. It's just a beginning. But it is a beginning. And that's the best place to start.
Photo Credit: stock.xchng
There's no better place to begin, really. I wish you luck in your journey...and to reading about it here. Because you? Are a great you and that's all you need to be.
ReplyDeleteWe seem to be on the same wave-length. I get great ideas for posts when I can't get to write them down or type them into the computer (and they are pretty eloquent).
ReplyDeleteI enjoy reading your posts, and think you express yourself well! :-)
Heather, I've been there. During the season of my life when the boys were very young and then again during the season when everything I had went into taking care of Rich. I wish that I had concentrated more on those times and spent less time longing for "the time when...." I could do whatever. Because those times are SO SHORT.
ReplyDeleteI have SO learned this the hard way, both with the boys and with Rich. And the hard thing now is to not waste the NOW by looking back with "I wish I had..." because I will have squandered time in both directions then.
Your feelings are real and valid. But soon enough you'll have moved into a different season and you'll have the time for... whatever. I hope you don't take this as preachy. It sort of sounds that way but I couldn't think of a better way to put it. I just want you to know that I understand.
And I already think that you ARE an eloquent and witty blogger. And maybe one day, when I'm all grown up, I can be one too! :-) I think you share more of yourself here than you probably even realize.
And if I said all this really badly or in some way offended you, please delete it!
Shelby, no offense taken. I know exactly what you're trying to say. I'm not trying to wish away Ladybug's young years. I am trying to find a way to balance my needs and my family's needs, where I can express my creativity and still give my family all they need.
ReplyDeleteThanks to everyone for your kind comments.
beautiful post heather... you could always come here, drop lady bug off with the boy and the things adn we could go... of course, i don't have a graduate degree, so i might not quite be to your educational standards... ;)
ReplyDeleteeven i get what you're saying... but that was probably one of my favorite posts of yours.. ever
Oh my, I am right there! I get a great idea for a blog entry and then boom! Monkey man needs me. Then afterwards I just cant remember what I wanted to write and I end up writing jibberish. Sigh. I miss my creative mind. But you are right it is the best place to start
ReplyDeleteBTW stop on by you got an Honest Scrap award
ReplyDeleteI wonder, too.
ReplyDeleteI think it's brutally hard to remember yourself, your thoughtful, creative, best-version-of-yourself self when you're raising an almost-3-year-old, but it's so important. We forget ourselves, and where does that leave these little girls?
:)
Looks like a lot of us can relate to you, I know I can! What I hate is that I am able to think out my writing so well in my head while I cook or play or do housework but once I get a chance to actually be in front of the computer (never without interruptions, Of course!) I end up writing something totally different...and it never sounds as good as all of the other bloggers that I read! Just know that I enjoy reading your site. You have one fan here!
ReplyDeleteLook at how many days it's been since you've posted this, and I'm just now reading and commenting. Yeah, you know I can relate.
ReplyDeleteIt's not that you're wishing this time away, but how much harder will it be to reignite your own interests and intellect if you haven't exercised any of it for so long? At least, that's what I wonder about myself.